One of my biggest weaknesses is being able to show myself compassion. I’m almost delusional in my readiness to brush off a friend’s faults, but I’ll bully myself for the same ones.
I try to change my inner hatred but I always end up in the same place. I refuse to believe that a friend is less awesome because they don’t have a Bachelor’s degree but I beat myself up for not having a Masters. I beat myself up every year before my birthday because I’m another year older and I haven’t published a book. But I haven’t been submitting because I feel my books are garbage. At what point am I good enough for myself? The answer is never.
The worst part is that I project my inner-feelings on everyone around me. Every discussion about my work, especially with a senior, gives me heart palpitations. I look at myself and see that I’m lacking and I’m so certain that everyone else sees me lacking as well.
It’s simply exhausting.
But sometimes I can figure out what to do. I take what I’m feeling and put it on someone else. This other person is identical to me but not me. She’s self conscious and fat and angry and sad and she hates herself. I tell her what I would tell a friend. She’s beautiful and smart and if they don’t see it, then they don’t deserve her.
Sometimes I post what I say to her on Twitter, because maybe it will help someone else.
It’s not self-centered or selfish to love yourself. It’s unhealthy not to love yourself. You’re a human like all your friends and parents and siblings, and humans aren’t perfect. You don’t have to be perfect. Treat yourself with some basic human decency at least and preferably treat yourself like a friend.