The Diva Cup

This is going to be a bit of a TMI blog post, but I feel compelled to wax poetic about the silicone shot glass between my legs.

The first time I heard about a Diva Cup, one of my writer friends was raving about it on her livejournal and I was so confused. Why would anyone want to use something so hard to get when you could just pick up tampons anywhere? It seemed like so much Trouble.

But then I realized: I have to go to the store anytime I run out of tampons but you literally never run out of a Diva Cup. Unless you leave it at home or lose it, you’re all set.

So I drove out and got a cup. It was exciting and I felt so environmentally conscious and everything.

But there is a SERIOUS learning curve. I spent that first night crying and trying to get it inside me. The thing with a Diva Cup is that you have to position it to create a seal against your insides. That means you have to fold the fucker and push it up in there and kind of massage the part you have hold of until it unfolds and then pull it a little and spin it.

There are several possible things that can go wrong with this process, and most of them are a bit messy.

1. Can’t get it in: you either didn’t fold it enough or right or something but you can’t get it to slide in. This has the added possibility of the silicone bastard popping open and splashing droplets of your period over the surrounding area. You haven’t passed initiation until you get a drop of vagina blood on your face. It will happen, embrace it.

2. Get it in there but it pops open too low and won’t seal: You pretty much have to take it out and try again in this case. Unfortunately, the same thing could happen again and you could be repeating this situation for a while. I’m so sorry. Like Tenth Doctor sorry.

3. Get it in but it won’t pop open: Much easier situation, you just have to get in the position where you can really reach up in there to work the cup. It’ll pop open, you just gotta work with it. This means you could be covered in blood up to your elbow if you aren’t careful.

So those are the problems getting it in. That’s right, there’s a problem getting it out.

4. It just gets “stuck”: this only happens if you don’t know what you’re doing with it, but the cup can scootch up in there and you might not be able to reach the stem to pull it out. In those cases, you BIRTH IT. That’s right, you get to practice giving birth and everything. You just kind of push with your muscles until it’s low enough to grab hold, then you use your fingers to pull it the rest of the way out.

But those are all learning curve things and will go away with practice. In the mean time, if you’ve got it right, you have up to 12 hours before you even have to worry about that thing again. It’s amazing and wonderful and you could go camping or swimming or anything really. I use it to sleep through the night without bleeding everywhere. It’s pretty magical.

And if you find yourself somewhere without your purse, you don’t have to worry. You have the cup, you take it out, you dump the contents, wipe it out, and stick it back up in there.

Also, the cup is discrete as fuck. I recommend all trans-dudes get one. You can probably get some other kind of case for it, like a cigarette case or something. No wrapper and no trash to deal with in the men’s restroom.

Now, some people think the silicone shot glass is gross. It can be if you are squicked out by blood, but I don’t see how because we see more blood in a year than a serial killer. But I guess you also don’t have to turn around and gaze in wonder at the crime scene in the toilet bowl. Some of us like to pretend we’re disposing of a body we’ve cut into pieces and run through a food processor before pouring down the toilet, but that’s just us. It came out of you, there’s no reason to be grossed out by it.

Now, there will be haters. Everything period-related has that other half of the population, naturally, but Diva Cups are so alien that they even have a few female haters. I have heard someone request that Diva Cup users warn them before shaking their hand, which is maybe a good way to find out if this person deserves to have their hand shook (hint: they don’t), but it really makes no difference. I mean, who the fuck doesn’t wash their hands after removing a Tampon? It’s the same deal. You’re bleeding on everything you love and you’re gonna get some on your hands too. If they have a problem with that, sit on their lap.

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